You could say it was like a polaroid picture. It started a
bit blurry but moment by moment, day by day the picture became clearer.
Something wasn’t quite right. My life was sufficient and by all accounts full.
But something was missing. I couldn’t shake the suspicion that I wasn’t living
to my fullest potential. Like the sun shining through a dirty window—you appreciate
the light but you know the brightness is being hampered by the film that clings
to the surface of the glass. That is what my life had become; a little dull. In
my opinion, dull is the most dangerous place to be. You see, when things are at
their darkest, you realize the desperate need for light. But when they’re only slightly
dim, you can lie to yourself and pretend that things are good enough. You forsake
greatness because the aversion to change is stronger than you desire to reach your
full potential. That’s where I had landed; in the desperate and frightening
world of grey. Drowning and blissfully unaware. I had done all the things
society told me I should have done, and more by age 25. I had graduated with my
bachelor’s degree, followed by my MBA. I secured a job directly out of graduate
school making a decent salary. I had an apartment of my own and a 4 year
relationship with my college boyfriend that was speeding quickly toward
marriage. There was just one problem, none of it was fulfilling me.
Maybe you know the feeling. You work your whole life for everything
you want, or that your parents wanted for you, or that society says you need
and after you’ve obtained it or lost it or given up before reaching it—you realize
the real thing, the prized thing that you were actually searching for was
peace. And in the midst of all the things that you sought to bring it to you,
you still haven’t found it. I don’t know the exact day, but I do know that in 2009
I reached that point, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I made a bold move, one
that scared me to death at the time. I began to strip away all the things in my
life that I thought would bring me peace,
but had failed miserably. For me, this
meant walking away from my relationship of four years. To say this was
terrifying would be the understatement of the century. But this however, is
where my story begins. The reason is
that an amazing thing happened when my security blanket was removed. I was
forced to be with me, just me…and face the truth that I was unhappy. I, by
myself and with no one to cover up the truth, was horribly unhappy, unfulfilled,
disillusioned, lacking direction and frightened. Having grown up in the church and being a believer in Christ, I had always known the Bible verses that spoke of God’s peace and his plan and purpose for my life. But when I was left alone, I realized that I didn’t believe any of it. I didn’t feel peace, I didn’t know what the plan was for my life and I had no idea where God was and what he wanted with me. But when you’re drowning, it is good sense to grab a life rope when it is thrown to you—no matter what little faith you have in its ability to save you. So that’s what I did. I grabbed a life rope in a fit of desperation. I opened my Bible and I started reading it. Not because it was what I was supposed to do as part of a 10 step program to becoming a good Christian. But, because I was desperate for truth. I needed to know if the peace I had been told that God desired for my life was just a myth, or if it was actually obtainable. I needed to know why my seemingly perfect life had failed to fulfill me. And what I found has changed my life and continues to transform me, every day. What I read with fresh eyes was that #1, God is a real and living God. Yes, I have been a Christian my entire life and yes this is a cornerstone of the Christian faith. But sadly, I was living like he ceased to exist at the end of the Bible. What I began to see as I read through the scripture, was the personality and attributes of God. His compassion, his love and his grace for humanity. I realized for maybe the first time in my life that God loved me. Not in theory and not from a far away place—but intimately and personally, He has a great love for me. Even the hairs on my head. This led me to realization #2, It was God’s love that led him to send his Son to die for me. Again, basic Christian principal that I had been taught my entire life. But when I saw the death of Jesus through the lens of God’s love, it changed everything.
I don’t know about you, but I often view God as a distant score keeper who notes my wrongs and waits to distribute wrath. But what I found in the death of Christ was the complete opposite picture. You see, in the old testament of the Bible when God called the Israelites to be His people, He explained to them for the first time that He was Holy and that to be close to Him, they had to be Holy as well. To teach them how to be Holy, he gave them a kind of holiness rule book, also known as the 10 Commandments, along with an exhaustive list of do’s and don’ts that were impossible to keep. But the problem is that all of these rules had to be followed for the people to be able to be as Holy as God and for Him to be able to be close to them. However, because God knew the people couldn’t follow all of the rules, He gave them a “get out of jail free” card. Better known as animal sacrifice. In short, the people could kill an innocent animal which would substitute the punishment that they should have received for breaking one of God’s rules. This went on for thousands of years until God became tired of being separated from his people because they couldn’t follow his rules. So, he made a game changing decision. He decided that there needed to be one sacrifice, a jumbo sacrifice that would cover every broken rule that had ever happened and ever would happen so that there wouldn’t be separation between Him and us.
Now, because there was no
animal perfect enough for the job, God decided that the only solution would be
for Him to come to earth in the form of humanity and die. So, that is what He
did when he sent Jesus. Jesus was the perfect person because He was God and He
was man and He was killed as a sacrifice for everything that was ever done to
break God’s rules. But, the thing with a sacrifice is that when it dies, it
succumbs to the punishment that was placed on it and then another animal has to
be killed for the next rule that is broken. But God wanted all of the
sacrificing and separation to be over, forever. So He did what no other sacrifice
had ever been able to do before. He beat the punishment of death that was put
on Him because of our rule breaking, and He rose from the dead three days after
He was killed. This amazing act made Him more than just a sacrifice; this meant
that death was no longer the punishment for breaking God’s rules.
You see, I had known all of this since I was a small child,
but I wasn’t living like it. I was still living a life trying to hide my rule
breaking from God. Partially, because I thought God would want to punish me for
it and partially because truthfully, breaking the rules was pretty fun. But
what I learned was that the same God who went through so much trouble to send a
piece of Himself to earth to die as a stand-in for the punishment that I
deserved, didn’t match with the image in my head of a score keeper waiting to
punish me. So just like any friend who you learn more about and you enjoy
hanging out with, I started learning more about God by reading about Jesus and
the things He taught while he was on the earth. I also went into the old testament
of the Bible and read about some of the things God had done in the past. And
through all of this, I began to get a picture of who God is and I began to love
Him. And I even wanted to be like Him. And slowly, not all at once, the rule breaking
that I thought was fun started to drop out of my life little by little.
Because, I realized it didn’t fit within the description of who God is. And
because He is so awesome, I really just want to be like Him.
Please let me stress that this process has been slow and frustrating
and scary and daunting at times and continues to this day and will continue for
the rest of my life because God is perfect and I am not. And although He
continues to influence me to be more like Him daily, none of us will completely
be like him until we die and go to heaven. But, this is what I will tell you. Three years later—three
years after I admitted to myself that something wasn’t right. Three years after
I took a leap of faith and stepped away from a safety net to find out what was
truly missing from my life, I have found peace. I have found joy. Are days
still difficult? Of course. Is my life a
bed of roses? Heck no. But the difference is that life gets shaky, but I don’t.
Life is sometimes lacking peace, but I’m not. It’s like our bodies. The
temperature outside can change, but inside we have homeostasis that balances us
and doesn’t allow the outside elements to affect what is inside us. That, in a
nutshell, is my life with Christ.
So what is the point to all of this? Well, I thought it was
time to share my secret. This is why I find joy in the middle of difficult
times. This is why I live life with freedom and not fear. This is why I love
people…even the ones who don’t love me. This is my strength. This is my hope.
This is what wakes me up in the morning and comforts me as I lay my head down
at night. I am connected to a real God because He died for me so that
everything bad I had ever done wouldn’t matter. And now, He teaches me to be
like Him and now life is about more than just breathing, it is about living. And
since each of you reading this is a person who I consider a friend, I thought
it was time I level with you and tell you the truth about who Jesus is and what
He did for me and that He can do the same thing for you.
xoxo, jade
